Yes Japan is an oppressive country. But I aint talking about a kind of pans Facist-communist regime that crushes and defeats through the hardship of minorities. I’m talking about this oppressive bloody heat. And I’ve heard it isn’t even that bad at the moment.
Within 3 days of summer you can expect to have had at least 17 conversations with Gaijin and Nihon-Jin alike; “Japan is so hot – but it’s the humidity that is the worst.” The sentiment is thrown about endlessly.
But why the complaints? The heat is good innit? Yeah to a degree (excuse the pun) - but there’s a point at which sweating 2 litres of salt water a minute and consuming a gallon of Pocari Sweat to combat it becomes annoying. So how do you combat the sweat? I used to be a pretty sweaty lad in Welly-Boh. “Hey Bren open this jar for me?” *Sweat pours from me like the mighty Huka Falls* So I’ve been thinking – and these are the actions I’ve taken thus far and are working nicely – I don’t sweat so much at all. Go me.
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| And don't call me Shirley |
1 - Attitude
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| Winona Ryder! (expletive) |
First of all - As we all know our attitude shapes our reality - so bitching and moaning about how much you hate the heat will not help you. Be positive – even neutral - it’ll make it that little bit less horrific. When people say to me: “Oh my gosh I hate this heat. It’s awful.” I simply say: “I love it.” Quite often I will have a short reminisce about Wellington winters to help it seem more genuine. Shiz you’re in Tokyo, it’s hot – complaining helps? No? Then shut up.
2.0 - Hey relax chill out guy!
Sometime it’s simply the stress of activity that brings me into uber sweat mode. Instead of walking swiftly down the road on your way to work – stroll like you have nowhere else to be. Focus on being relaxed. If you’re running late to work and can’t afford the meander – sort your life out and give yourself time to mozy slowly to work each day. I’m telling you a good slow walk like that of a 90 year old is brilliant for stalling the sweat beast.
2.1 - Fake it until you make it
A lot of it is simply a mind game – don’t bow down to stress. Pretend you’re relaxed. I’m just walking down the street – no rush. I notice I barely sweat at all when walking amongst the oppression on my days off. Pop a shirt and tie on me though and I’m a human waterfall.
3 - Clothes
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| Like wearing a hat at a jaunty angle |
Yeah obviously if your state of mind is important then by extension so is your comfort. Wear comfortable clothes – even if it’s to work. Try to wear the most comfortable clothes you have. Don’t put your tie on until work. We you do keep that top button undone even though you're wearing a tie. Wear jandals into the office – change em out at the door. The rule: Keep your state of mind relaxed.
4 - This undershirt business
Some Gaijin have said that wearing a t-shirt under your shirt is the way to go. To be honest I see the logic but haven’t experienced the results. The shirt soaks it up and thus you don’t sweat or feel like you’re sweating so much. When I tried it, it just made me hotter than buggery - way to hot. I’ve found wearing loose clothing that allows your skin to breath to be better. This also means that when cool zephyrs do jet by it gets through the one layer and chills your skin. Avoid buying or wearing heavy shirts they are like sitting in a mini sauna. This also leads into the next sneaky tip too.
5 - Yamanote hack
On the Tokyo Yamanote line just inside each carriage you will see a big aircon on the roof. The fan swings a cool breeze downward left to right. A. Situate your self directly below it! B. Arch you back slightly so it creates a gap by your collar for the cool breeze to shoot down your back. Oh my goodness it’s good. Stops the dreaded back trickle too.
6 - Become a lazy bastard
Escalators and conveyers are there for a reason – use em. Back in Kiwi-Land I used to walk up stairs and hills instead of escalators. My thinking? It’s exercise – it all adds up and stops me from being a fat bastard. Here in Japan – if you’ve got to mount some stairs and there is an escalator – use it. Tiny pockets of exertion add up and make you sweat. Stand there and say to yourself: “I may be a lazy bastard – but at least I’m not a sweaty lazy bastard.”
7 - Food
A not so obvious one. Avoid spicy food, chilli, garlic, onions and so on - these raise your body temp and cause you to sweat. Lunchtime curry? No thanks sorry champ.
8 - Avoid exercise
Not all together – there’s nothing quite like a good ole jog through the smog of Tokyo. But I strongly advise that you avoid exercise within two hours of getting ready and heading to work. With the shower temperature changes and getting dressed and all the other little chores that are required of when getting ready you may sweat continuously. It’s like your body gets confused. “Oh your making lunch – that’s exertion - I had better continue sweating.”
9 - Sweat rag
Carry at sweat rag on your person. It’s like a human chamois. They’re good for keeping the brow dry and help to keep you cooler than if you let the sweat gather. Also if you forget it take those paper napkins they hand out at the train stations. All this shiz adds up.
10 - Sweat inducing facilities
Since I arrived here I have made regular visits to a sweat inducing facility (sento, onsen, sauna spa etc). I don’t know if this helps with sweating so much but I do know it assists in reducing BO and detoxifying the shiz out of my muscles. It takes years off me every Monday night when I go hang and thang with the 70 years Japanese men in the nud.
11 - Botox
Yeah um apparently botox stops you from sweating. So ah just botokulate your entire body…
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| Not a drop of sweat on set |
